My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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