yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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