oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
