ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
