Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
