someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
