the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
