1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
