Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
