we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
