life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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