I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We are two peas in an std pod
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
