there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She's like a pop up book from hell.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
