Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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