My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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