Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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