I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
