in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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