she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
