Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
