When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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