you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
