I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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