Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
