Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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