My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
