I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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