i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
