I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
