On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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