I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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