What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
did i just pee glitter
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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