I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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