decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This is the high leading the old right now
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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