"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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