You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
