Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW