I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
