i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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