I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
