I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
