please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
