I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
