Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
