I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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