Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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