I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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