I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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