i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
