i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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