if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
