The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
